Post by willc453 on Aug 30, 2018 17:07:25 GMT -6
In Vancouver, Canada early this month there was a huge apartment fire.
A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the second floor suite. They died.
An Islamic group of seven, welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan, lived on the right ground floor suite. They too all perished.
Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They too, died.
A white couple lived on the top floor suite. The couple survived the fire.
Various multicultural agencies and our Prime Minister Trudeau were furious!!
They flew into Vancouver, and met with the fire chief. On TV cameras, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris, Muslims and Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived.
The Fire Chief calmly said, "The white couple were at work."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two buttholes.”
“What? He had two buttholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two buttholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes!”
-----------------------------------------------
Joe had been battling headaches for years, but lately they had gotten much worse, so he decided he just had to see a doctor.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Joe realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store, and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit," and went in.
The elderly tailor eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed, and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16-and-a half neck, 34 sleeve," said the tailor.
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the tailor said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said "sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes, and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist, and said, "Let's see, size 36."
"Finally, I've got you!" Joe laughed. "I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You shouldn't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear is too small for you. That would force your testicles to press against the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Good husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Gillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You learn what happiness is after you get married. But then, it's too late.
------------------------------------------------
Dan, to his boss: "I now identify as a woman. From now on you must call me Danielle, and I'll be using the ladies room. I expect no hassles from my co-workers about my decisions on my lifestyle."
Boss to Danielle: I applaud you on your courage and bravery, to come forward publicly with your lifestyle choice. Going forward you will receive a 23% pay cut to account for your new gender status. As everyone knows, women in this country make 77 cents on the dollar across the board. Based on this well known, and substantiated fact economic fact, I'm compelled to offer you the 23% reduction effective immediately. Rules are rules."
"Hey sweetie, on your way out, get me a cup of coffee."
----------------------------------------------------------
Two drunks standing at urinals in a dive bar restroom. One drunk says to the other: “Does your **** burn when you pee”? The other drunk replied: ”I don’t know..... I never tried to light it”.
--------------------------------
for her birthday, my wife said she wanted something with diamonds. So I got her a deck of playing cards.
--------------------------------------------------
My wife was on top of the table, cleaning the dining room light when I walked in.
ME: Whoooo hoooooo, what a pair of legs.
WIFE: Think so after all these years?
ME: Of course. That table's not even wobbling
-----------------------------------------------
A dignified and well dressed couple sat at a bar. Sitting next to the woman was disheveled drunk. The drunk sudden cut a huge, greasy fart. The dignified man turned to the drunk and said: “How dare you sir? “You farted before my wife!”
To which the drunk replied: ”I’m sorry.....I didn’t know it was her turn!”
---------------------------------------------
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON:
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .I could hardly push the stroller back home.
------------------------------
A woman was cheating on her husband when the phone rang:
Woman: Hello, oh, OK. Well I'll see you later then. Have fun. Tell the guy's I said hi.
Man in bed: Who was that?
Woman: My husband.
Man in bed: OK, well I guess I should get going then.
Woman: Nah, don't worry, he's busy watching the game
----------------------------------------
I walked in with a winning scratch off ticket.
ME: Honey! It finally happened! we won the lottery!
WIFE: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.
ME: Your $8 is on the suitcase.
A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the second floor suite. They died.
An Islamic group of seven, welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan, lived on the right ground floor suite. They too all perished.
Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They too, died.
A white couple lived on the top floor suite. The couple survived the fire.
Various multicultural agencies and our Prime Minister Trudeau were furious!!
They flew into Vancouver, and met with the fire chief. On TV cameras, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris, Muslims and Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived.
The Fire Chief calmly said, "The white couple were at work."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two buttholes.”
“What? He had two buttholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two buttholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes!”
-----------------------------------------------
Joe had been battling headaches for years, but lately they had gotten much worse, so he decided he just had to see a doctor.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Joe realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store, and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit," and went in.
The elderly tailor eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed, and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16-and-a half neck, 34 sleeve," said the tailor.
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the tailor said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said "sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes, and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist, and said, "Let's see, size 36."
"Finally, I've got you!" Joe laughed. "I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You shouldn't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear is too small for you. That would force your testicles to press against the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Good husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Gillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You learn what happiness is after you get married. But then, it's too late.
------------------------------------------------
Dan, to his boss: "I now identify as a woman. From now on you must call me Danielle, and I'll be using the ladies room. I expect no hassles from my co-workers about my decisions on my lifestyle."
Boss to Danielle: I applaud you on your courage and bravery, to come forward publicly with your lifestyle choice. Going forward you will receive a 23% pay cut to account for your new gender status. As everyone knows, women in this country make 77 cents on the dollar across the board. Based on this well known, and substantiated fact economic fact, I'm compelled to offer you the 23% reduction effective immediately. Rules are rules."
"Hey sweetie, on your way out, get me a cup of coffee."
----------------------------------------------------------
Two drunks standing at urinals in a dive bar restroom. One drunk says to the other: “Does your **** burn when you pee”? The other drunk replied: ”I don’t know..... I never tried to light it”.
--------------------------------
for her birthday, my wife said she wanted something with diamonds. So I got her a deck of playing cards.
--------------------------------------------------
My wife was on top of the table, cleaning the dining room light when I walked in.
ME: Whoooo hoooooo, what a pair of legs.
WIFE: Think so after all these years?
ME: Of course. That table's not even wobbling
-----------------------------------------------
A dignified and well dressed couple sat at a bar. Sitting next to the woman was disheveled drunk. The drunk sudden cut a huge, greasy fart. The dignified man turned to the drunk and said: “How dare you sir? “You farted before my wife!”
To which the drunk replied: ”I’m sorry.....I didn’t know it was her turn!”
---------------------------------------------
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON:
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .I could hardly push the stroller back home.
------------------------------
A woman was cheating on her husband when the phone rang:
Woman: Hello, oh, OK. Well I'll see you later then. Have fun. Tell the guy's I said hi.
Man in bed: Who was that?
Woman: My husband.
Man in bed: OK, well I guess I should get going then.
Woman: Nah, don't worry, he's busy watching the game
----------------------------------------
I walked in with a winning scratch off ticket.
ME: Honey! It finally happened! we won the lottery!
WIFE: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.
ME: Your $8 is on the suitcase.