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Post by pauldude000 on Jun 12, 2013 21:24:45 GMT -6
Paul has decided to publish this story and due to Amazon rules it can not be published or posted anywhere else. Paul has asked that we remove this story and we have done so. We all wish him good fortune as publishing is the ultimate goal of any writer.
Hopefully he will keep us informed as to when it comes out.
Admin
I have left the comments below in the order they were posted for the story, if anyone wants theirs removed, send myself or Kaijafon a message
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Post by crf78112 on Jun 13, 2013 15:07:21 GMT -6
Very interesting!
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Post by kaijafon on Jun 13, 2013 16:22:48 GMT -6
wow! reminds me of the days of Noah before the flood and then to bring to the present, awesome! I look forward to more. thanks!
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Post by pauldude000 on Jun 13, 2013 17:44:11 GMT -6
Please remember something. I have two purposes for writing these, and I need your help. The first is that I miss the screams of moar (yes I got addicted at FS), and the second is that I am trying to improve my writing skills.
I enjoy the compliments as well, but everyone please feel free to tear the story a literal new one. Whatever you think needs work.
My stories will get better as well, which I look forward to.
Silence on the matter tells me I am doing everything right, which I know cannot be true.
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Post by pauldude000 on Jun 13, 2013 17:45:44 GMT -6
wow! reminds me of the days of Noah before the flood and then to bring to the present, awesome! I look forward to more. thanks! ;D |
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Post by mnn2300 on Jun 13, 2013 17:56:15 GMT -6
Interesting start, good character development for Bruce and Helen. Not so much yet for the 'kings/aliens'
What kind of feedback are you looking for?
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Post by pauldude000 on Jun 13, 2013 18:05:54 GMT -6
Interesting start, good character development for Bruce and Helen. Not so much yet for the 'kings/aliens' What kind of feedback are you looking for? Anything anyone finds which subtracts from the quality of the story including mechanics, plot, character development, flow, just anything. Thank you for that feedback. It gives me some ideas. I am trying to find my writing weak spots so that I can correct them. |
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Post by idahobob on Jun 13, 2013 20:27:55 GMT -6
OK, I like. ;D The giants (Nephilim) and aliens (fallen angels) are from biblical texts and extra biblical texts. Is this where you get the basis for the beings in your story? They seem to fit the descriptions that I have read elsewhere. Keep it up. Meed MOAR!!!!!!  Bob III |
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Post by kaijafon on Jun 14, 2013 9:19:19 GMT -6
I would suggest to flesh out the genetically engineered critters a bit more, like what animals they used to "make the dragons" Also, the aliens seem to be more "cro-magnum" type of human and yet are not "giants", is that correct? Maybe explain why that is so, if it is. Why did they wipe the memories of those who knew Helen? Did the bakery still have "Helen" in the name? Just a few things I "paused at" while reading.  |
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Post by pauldude000 on Jun 14, 2013 16:27:47 GMT -6
OK, I like. ;D The giants (Nephilim) and aliens (fallen angels) are from biblical texts and extra biblical texts. Is this where you get the basis for the beings in your story? They seem to fit the descriptions that I have read elsewhere. Keep it up. Meed MOAR!!!!!! Bob III I am mixing all sorts of stuff together for this. |
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Post by pauldude000 on Jun 14, 2013 16:36:11 GMT -6
I would suggest to flesh out the genetically engineered critters a bit more, like what animals they used to "make the dragons" Also, the aliens seem to be more "cro-magnum" type of human and yet are not "giants", is that correct? Maybe explain why that is so, if it is. Why did they wipe the memories of those who knew Helen? Did the bakery still have "Helen" in the name? Just a few things I "paused at" while reading. To your first question, I was wondering at the time whether I should. Maybe it would have been a good idea. The aliens are actually based of of neanderthal remains. Shorter yet far stronger, and you are absolutely correct in that I did not flesh them out clearly enough. I wanted it to be obvious, and I missed by a mile. With claimed alien abductions, reported temporary memory loss is common. Chapter five was entirely way too short, and that is one of the things I should have included to flesh out the chapter more. Those pauses you mention are what I want to ultimately eliminate from my writing. Your help is greatly appreciated, thank you. |
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Post by pauldude000 on Jun 14, 2013 16:38:41 GMT -6
For those that missed it. Chapter six is on the previous page.
When I posted above, it rolled the page.
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Post by mnn2300 on Jun 14, 2013 16:43:07 GMT -6
Anything anyone finds which subtracts from the quality of the story including mechanics, plot, character development, flow, just anything. OK, First I like the story and am looking forward to MOAR - yes I was a former squirrel also up to the nasty point...... That's the reason this board was created. Anyway you wanted nitpicking so I will oblige - the first post I had a hard time following who was talking and to whom on the sentences with no 'xxxx said.', or 'yyy declared.', or 'zzz exclaimed.' for some of the sentences As a writer sometimes you think its just too much, but as a reader you almost don't notice it unless you want/need to - it just helps to clarify. |
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Post by pauldude000 on Jun 14, 2013 17:03:22 GMT -6
Anything anyone finds which subtracts from the quality of the story including mechanics, plot, character development, flow, just anything. OK, First I like the story and am looking forward to MOAR - yes I was a former squirrel also up to the nasty point...... That's the reason this board was created. Anyway you wanted nitpicking so I will oblige - the first post I had a hard time following who was talking and to whom on the sentences with no 'xxxx said.', or 'yyy declared.', or 'zzz exclaimed.' for some of the sentences As a writer sometimes you think its just too much, but as a reader you almost don't notice it unless you want/need to - it just helps to clarify. I am going to have a tough time of that. Many get irate due to he said/she said on every spoken sentence. I think a compromise is in order, and I will have to make sure it is obvious who is talking in the future. Thank you. Always nice to hear from a former squirrel, you guys were screaming MOAR so much you got me addicted. |
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Post by nancy1340 on Jun 23, 2013 16:30:11 GMT -6
Nice.........let's see some action. LOL
Thank you.
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Post by nancy1340 on Jul 10, 2013 18:01:12 GMT -6
Very interesting. Thank you.
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Post by kaijafon on Jul 10, 2013 20:16:34 GMT -6
I'm not sure where to comment.... lol! here or there.... or both! hahahaha!
there still seems a bit of fleshing out to do... I was picturing like Altoid tins or something... not nearly as big as what he did use! lol! poor guy... he really is "special"!
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