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Jokes
Oct 10, 2019 22:21:12 GMT -6
9idrr likes this
Post by willc453 on Oct 10, 2019 22:21:12 GMT -6
Will be adding more under this thread as time goes by..... And no, they're not mine. Just some I found on the net. ---------------------------------- A blind guy that took the elevator up to the 2nd floor in the mall.. He picks his guide dog up by the tail and spins him over her head a few times.. A lady comes running up to him and says "Are you CRAZY!?!? Spinning the poor dog like that?!?!" Blind guy says "We were just having a look around.." --------------------------- Why don't blind people skydive? Scares the **** out of the seeing eye dog. ---------------------------- I got food poisoning the other day, but I'm not quite sure how to use it. ------------------------------ Hell yes I believe in time travel...I'm getting close to figuring it out too. Example: When I wake up in the morning at 6 am, I shut my eyes for 2 minutes and suddenly it's 7:35 am.....WTH? Then at work, it's 1:30 pm and I shut my eyes for a couple of minutes and BAM like magic it's still 1:30 PM Yeah...I'm on to something BIG --------------------- The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a super athlete who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom,"he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !" "I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says."You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,.......... "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!" ------------------------- How do you make a sandwich in Venezuela? Take a meat coupon and put it between two bread coupons. ------------ Baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender says: What can I get for you? Baby seal says: Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks. -------------------- If you had to choose between the woman of your dreams or the dog of your dreams. Which breed would you get? ---------------------- 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. ------------------------- As I was walking one night I came upon a cemetery and noticed 3 girls just kind of waiting to walk by it. One of them says can we walk by this cemetery with you? It really scares us, I said sure, this kind of place always scared me like crazy too when I was alive, man girls can sure run fast when they want to. ---------------------- Tried to embrace my inner child today and the little ***hole bit me. ----------------------- Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second rule has now been increased to 10.
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Jokes
Oct 11, 2019 1:25:48 GMT -6
9idrr likes this
Post by willc453 on Oct 11, 2019 1:25:48 GMT -6
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife" ------------------- I don't know why people think I'm boring.
The police often call me a "person of interest". ----------- I’m just going to put an “Out Of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day. -------------- Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape, with firm legs, a strong chest, and a solid rump before I put good money down.”
Larry, looking worried said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom. ------------------------ I keep hearing people talk about what they're gonna do when they retire… I'm gonna have to work right up to lunch on the day of my funeral. ------------ Some days I amaze myself…Other days I put my keys in the fridge. ------------- The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest. ---------------- I think my new smartphone is adding extra chins onto my selfies. ---------------- Pilates? I thought you said pie and lattes. ----------------- Autocorrect has become my worst enema. ------------- I always knew I'd get old... How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though. -------------- Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works. ----------------
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Jokes
Oct 11, 2019 1:54:48 GMT -6
9idrr likes this
Post by willc453 on Oct 11, 2019 1:54:48 GMT -6
An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!" --------------------- I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better. ------------- In my defense, the moon was full and I was left unsupervised. ------------ Got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen this morning. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here. ---------------- An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. --------------- Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the poop out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the poop out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two bloody Muslims." ----------------------- After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid. Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified. ----------------------- During the day I don't believe in ghosts, but at night I'm a little bit more open minded. -------------------- As a young man I learned the irony of alcohol:
I would drink alcohol thinking I will look more attractive to the ladies. However, it tended to make the ladies look more attractive to me. ----------------- I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life...if I die next Thursday. ----------------- A man walks into a bar just in time for the 10:00 PM news. He sits down and sees on the TV "Breaking news, man is going to jump off a bridge" He looks next to him and sees Ocasio-Cortez sitting there. She turns to him and says, Oh I hope he does not jump. The man says, I will bet you $30 he will. Ocasio-Cortez says she will take that bet and no sooner the man jumps.
In the spirit of fair play, the man tells ocasio-cortez, I cannot take your money because I saw this on the 5 O'clock news and already knew the man was going to jump. Ocasio-Cortez replies, so did I but I didn't think he was going to do it again.
The man took the $30 from ocasio-cortez and walked out of the bar. --------------- My wife got us a sleep number bed. Apparently, my number is $4200. ----------------- Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?" Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?" "Viens a moi," replies Nancy. "Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?" ---------------------- It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later. ---------------- A middle aged man bought a convertible and gets out on the main highway. As he is cruising along he thinks to himself, "I want to see what this baby will do." He proceeds to depress the gas pedal until he reaches about 75 mph. As he is cruising at 75 and the wind is blowing through his hair he thinks "man this is nice, I'm just going to open it up a little more and see how it handles." He gets up to about 90 mph and is really feeling confident. Then he thinks "I am really going to open her up now." And puts the pedal to the floor. As he reaches 130 mph he thinks to himself "I need to slow down before I get a ticket." About that time he hears the siren behind him and as he looks into his rear view mirror sees the lights glaring red and blue. He pulls over and the officer walks up to the car and says "sir, I clocked you at 130 mph." I am scheduled to get off of duty in 20 minutes, if you can give me an excuse I have never heard of before I will let you go with just a warning." the man replies "My wife ran off with a cop last week and I just thought you were trying to bring her back." the cop said "have a nice day." ---------------------- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? -------------
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Jokes
Oct 11, 2019 2:35:09 GMT -6
9idrr likes this
Post by willc453 on Oct 11, 2019 2:35:09 GMT -6
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. --------------- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. ------------------- Man was speeding and was pulled over.
COP: You were going 80 in a 45, that's why I pulled you over. License and registration. MAN: I don't have a license, it was suspended after my last DWI. COP: Registration please. MAN: I assume it's in the glove compartment next to my 9mm, but I'm not sure do you want me to get it? COP: No name on the registration. MAN: I don't know officer, this car's not mine, I stole this car. COP: WHAT!? MAN: Yeah, I saw this car, it was beautiful, I carjacked the old lady, when she wouldn't get out I shot her and put he in the trunk. COP takes out his gun holds it to the driver and instructs him not to move. He immediately calls for back up. He gives report to commanding Lt. when he arrives and secures the scene. Lt tells the cop, I'll take it from here you are relieved: Lt: License please. MAN: reaches into his wallet and gives his license. Lt: Registration MAN: Opens up glove compartment and it is empty except for a ziplock bag with insurance and registration card. Lt: notices the registration and license match perfectly, runs his license and has never even had a traffic warning before let alone a DWI. He instructs the driver to get out of the vehicle and open the trunk. MAN: Opens the trunk, and the only thing there was a spare tire. Man says I demand to know what's going on here. Lt: The officer who pulled you over said you had a suspended license, a loaded 9mm, in a stolen car with a dead body in the trunk. MAN: Did that lying SOB also accuse me of speeding? -------------------- The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said - "Ok, good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either" ------------------- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
Good times. --------- Women always worry about things men forget. Men always worry about things women remember. ----------- I once dated a girl who had everything. I was on antibiotics for a month. ----------------- The other night, my mother-in-law was talking about coming up to visit, but I forgot to unlock the cellar door. ----------------- Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the real leader of the Democratic Party, boarded a flight to DC. Despite having a Coach boarding pass, she sat in 1st Class. When the flight attendant checked her pass, she explained that AOC’s seat was in Coach. Alexandria responded, “I’m Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez from the Bronx. I’m the youngest member of the House & I get whatever I want.” Frustrated, the flight attendant got her supervisor who spoke to AOC & received the same response. Frustrated, she got the copilot who experienced the same. The copilot then got the pilot who walked over and whispered in her ear. AOC immediately got up & took her assigned seat. The crew was amazed & asked the captain what he said. The captain replied, “That’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I just told her that 1st Class is going to Chicago & Coach was going to DC.” -------------- I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop. He said, "I want you to try, and sell this to me."
So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called my cell phone, and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200, and it's yours." -------------- A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. "Were you going?" he asks. "New York" she says, "I heard that there are women there that get paid $400 to do what I do for you for free."
The man reached under the bed and grabbed his go-bag. "Hell, I'm coming too. This I gotta see." "Why is that?" she asked. "Because I don't think you can live in New York on $800 a year." ------------- Every man dreams of marrying a nymphomaniac one day, The problems begin when the nympho leaves and the maniac stays. -------------- An American man, and his constantly nagging wife were on vacation in Israel when she suddenly got sick, and died.
He was told that being a Christian, he could have her buried right there in the holy land for $150. The alternative was to have her shipped back home to the States at a cost of $5,000 for burial at home. He informed them that he would have her shipped home. Confused, they asked him why spend so much, and that many Christians would love a burial in the holy land.
He replied, "You see, a long time ago, a man was killed over here, and buried. Three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." ----------------------- AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant. 2 - Don't waste ammunition. 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4 - Always make sure you know who has the power. 5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid. ------------------ Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. --------------- I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing. ------------- This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. --------------- People always ask me what retirement is like and if I like it!
Yes, one example is just the other day, I way fully enjoying a beautiful Saturday morning...until I realized it was Wednesday evening. ---------------- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Foot: A device for finding your kid's upturned Lego blocks on the floor in the dark.
Toilet paper for instance.
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2019 2:30:38 GMT -6
Post by willc453 on Oct 13, 2019 2:30:38 GMT -6
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you ****ing retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it.....wrong. ------------------------ Me: “A kid is crying.” Wife: “It’s not one of ours.” We fist bump. -------------- A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’. ------------------- I bought a sex doll.
It's one of those life like dolls that's suppose to be realistic.
She's so life like, she just wants to be friends. ----------- I am so old that when I was a kid rainbows were in black and white. ----------------- Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”
His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.”
A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.” ---------------- A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"...
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2019 2:42:18 GMT -6
Post by willc453 on Oct 13, 2019 2:42:18 GMT -6
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?" ------------------ My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already. ------------BadBobby's grandson went to visit him in BB's fishing/hunting cabin in a very secluded, wooded area with a lake and a stream.
After spending a great evening visiting, the next morning Grandpa BB prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, the grandson noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned grandpa BadBobby by asking "Are these plates clean?"
Grandpa BB replied, "They are as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal."
For lunch, Grandpa BB made hamburgers. Again, his grandson was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up BadBobby said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, as I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, BB's grandson was on his way to a nearby town. As he was leaving, BB's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.
The grandson yelled and said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from fishing in the nearby stream , Grandpa BadBobby shouted "Coldwater, leave the boy alone and go lay down now, ya hear me? -------------------- My cousin just called, and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends, and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it, and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called, and told me that my cousin was lying. She said not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under ...the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute, and decided to give her the $300 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin, and told her to come get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the jail. It was my cousin, crying, screaming, asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response...so you, and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday! ------------------- Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others. ----------------- After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.' ------------------------
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2019 14:54:38 GMT -6
Post by 9idrr on Oct 13, 2019 14:54:38 GMT -6
Don't stop now.
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Post by hua man on Feb 19, 2020 23:13:20 GMT -6
Why don't they make mouse flavored cat food?
Can you garnish a parsley farmer's wages?
If a chicken killing dog must be put down, why is there chicken in dog food?
Why would a woodchuck chuck wood?
Do animals consider crossing the road an extreme sport?
A Blue sky and yellow sun make white light?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what are the days that came before?
What do fish think of catch and release?
Why did Jimmy crack corn and should I care?
Rosebud
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