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Post by papaof2 on Aug 15, 2019 13:30:20 GMT -6
Seen on Facebook:
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee . . .
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for a position in United States Congress . . . Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
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Post by gipsy on Aug 16, 2019 13:40:55 GMT -6
LOL
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Post by willc453 on Sept 3, 2019 10:49:49 GMT -6
A bus full of politicians was moving along the country road, then it crashed into the tree and overturned with blood and glass were everywhere. A middle-aged farmer working on the field nearby saw the accident and decided to help. He dug a huge hole and buried all the politicians who were still alive. He thought he did his country a good service. ---------------------- Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. Thanks, Billy ---------------
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work. ------------------------ On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.” ----------------------- A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!” ----------------- A local council debate was becoming increasingly heated. Politicians from both major parties were locking horns. As the politicians started losing their tempers, one of them sneered at the other: “Have you heard of Bob Froyd?” “No.” admitted the other. “Well,” said the first triumphantly, “if you attended more council meetings, you would’ve known that he’s the man who’s planning to open a new strip club in our town.” Furious and wanting to do the damage, the opponent responded: “Have you heard of Alex Moskowitz?” “No.” said the first, and then asked: “Who is he?” “Well,” said the second. “if you attended fewer council meetings, you would’ve known that he’s the man who’s been sleeping with your wife.” -------------- Politician got a bribe of five hundred thousand dollars. When he brought it home, his wife asked him: “Where did you get this money, honey?” He answered: “If somebody asks, that’s the money your grandma left us." ----------------- I called Obama the other day. I said: “Obama, the people are happy with you. They are saying: ‘if not for him, we’d be where the third world is.'” Obama laughed and said: “Don’t worry about it. We’ll get there soon.” --------------------------- I asked Obama: “Why did you get a Nobel Prize?” He said: “I don’t know. I’m afraid they’ll take it back.” ------------------ Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn’t swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out.
On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, “How was your night in Hell?” “Very educational,” responded the Pope. “I’ve learned a lot from the experience, but now I’m glad I’m going to Heaven. I’ve been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.” “Ooh, sorry,” said Clinton, “you should have been there yesterday.” --------------------- Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship. As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!” George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!” Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time? ---------------------- President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. “What is it?” exclaims the President. “It’s the Abortion Bill, Mr. President – what do you want to do about it?” “Just go ahead and pay it.” ----------------------- Q: What's the difference between a politician and a snail? A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail. ------------------ It was so cold today, a Democrat had his hands in his own pockets! -------------- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has said that he may run for President, but analysts predict it is much more likely that he will walk. ---------------------- The Democrats have a lot of contenders for the presidential election in 2020. This includes Anthony Weiner and Eric Holder - we are already seeing bumper stickers that say "WEINER HOLDER 2020". ------------------------- Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t and the pig was killed. The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. “What happened?” asked the President. “Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President. The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.” -------------------------------- Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well. So I said to her, Cheer up! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under. ---------------------- A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office. ----------------------------- I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up.
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