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[papaof2]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "How will you use it?"

She says "I want to kill my husband."

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."

She reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[papaof2]

And another one:

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TRACTOR SUPPLY..

Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog's food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tractor Supply.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say.

Forward this now, (especially) to all your mature friends...... it will be their laugh for the day.

[papaof2]

And another one:

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to your dearest friends; You will be depriving them of some good humor.

[papaof2]

Yet another one - that you might have seen before ;-)

Perks of reaching age 60 or over.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.

4. People call at 8PM and ask "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. (I'd question this one ;-)

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 5PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

11. You can't remember who sent you this list.

12. And you wish these were in BIG PRINT for your conveniences.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

A caution to anyone in the specified age range: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[rep1270]

Big print is easy just change the zoom % until you can read the print. But it has to be on the computer to do this. Ralph