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Post by texican on May 31, 2022 19:51:29 GMT -6
I see. The rules I’ve set down is that each Altered has only one power. At some point I make that clear. Maybe I should introduce that earlier? Your story and your rules, and if you wanna change 'em without notice we don't worry. We're just happy to have another good writer on the Board. As for me, I just sit here and run my mouth... uh... keyboard. Feel free to tell me to buzz off. You authors are what keep the site goin', and I thank you for your work.
9, We know you will never buzz off.  Texican.... |
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Post by Matt D on May 31, 2022 20:53:24 GMT -6
I'll never tell anyone to buzz off. Your feedback is what makes this story better. I want this story to be the best I can write. Knock off stories I write on my blog. Take little effort and minimal editing.
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Post by 9idrr on Jun 1, 2022 21:15:41 GMT -6
I'll never tell anyone to buzz off. Your feedback is what makes this story better. I want this story to be the best I can write. Knock off stories I write on my blog. Take little effort and minimal editing. If'n you don't wanna tell me, Texican will be glad to do it for ya. ;^) |
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Post by texican on Jun 1, 2022 22:57:34 GMT -6
I'll never tell anyone to buzz off. Your feedback is what makes this story better. I want this story to be the best I can write. Knock off stories I write on my blog. Take little effort and minimal editing. If'n you don't wanna tell me, Texican will be glad to do it for ya. ;^) 9, Your definitely correct. Will fill in for Matt on comments for his story is great the way he writes, but need moar chapters. Texican.... |
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Post by Matt D on Jun 2, 2022 19:10:07 GMT -6
The Altered - Part 1, Chapter 4
Lieutenant Troy Bowman walked into the homicide/robbery division like any other day. He greeted the detectives by name and went into his office. It wasn’t a very big office, just room enough for a medium size desk with a credenza behind it holding his file folders and his coffee pot. In front of the desk were a couple of chairs for when he needed to talk to the detectives in private. Sitting at his desk, he could see out the window into the bullpen. His desk was immaculate unlike most of the detectives’ desks filled with various folders of cases they were working on. Lt. Bowman prided himself on being extra neat and tidy on the verge of being obsessive compulsive, though he didn’t see himself that way.
He filled the coffee pot and put grounds into it. Then he selected the file folder that had his evaluations of the six detectives he oversaw. It was that time of the year again. As he opened the folder, he glanced up seeing Guzman and Mason entering the bullpen with a man in between them that was handcuffed. His heart skipped a beat when he saw it was William Becker. He started to get up and then realized he needed to not seem overly concerned who was the suspect. He didn’t want the detectives getting suspicious. He normally kept himself aloof from day to day cases, only getting involved if he absolutely had to.
Lt. Bowman thought to himself that this was an absolute disaster that Becker was in custody. How did this happen? His need to know but not being able to jump up and find out was causing his stomach to tie into knots. All he could do was hope and pray that Becker didn’t talk. The thought of Becker talking was causing him to start sweating. He shook his head, reminding himself that he needed to keep acting naturally.
He threw himself into his work, pushing his fears down. Before he knew it, four detectives crowded into his office. Guzman, Mason, and Karl Wallace who was Leann Johnson’s partner all moved visibly to one side of the office leaving Johnson by herself.
After they told Bowman what happened about Johnson mind reading Becker, he knew he had to do something. He kicked the other three detectives out of the office and suspended Johnson. It was a masterstroke of an idea to tell her that it had already been decided if anyone was shown to be Altered to be immediately suspended.
Stepping out of his office after Johnson had left, he said, “Guzman, Mason, and Wallace into the observation room now. I want to see the tape.”
After watching the tape of Johnson’s interview, he knew that Becker needed to be pushed. That way he could see for himself if Becker talked.
“Karl, how about you take a crack at him. Use the information Johnson gave you, but make it seem like guesses. Maybe he’ll start talking then. Can you do that?”
Pursing his lips, Karl thought about it and then nodded and left the room to go into the interview room. As Karl was talking to Becker and making some seemingly educated guesses, Becker seemed startled. It looked like he was about to talk and Lt. Bowman knew he would be implicated.
Lt. Bowman closed his eyes and wished that Wallace would pull his gun and shoot Becker right between the eyes.
“What the hell!” yelled Guzman and Mason simultaneously.
Bowman opened his eyes just in time to see Wallace shoot Becker in the head. They detectives and him rushed into the interview room to see Wallace standing there shaking.
“I… I… I don’t know what happened?” said Wallace in a shaking voice. “It felt like I had no control over what I was doing.”
“Put the gun down on the table slowly,” said Mason while pointing his own gun at Wallace. Guzman checked Becker’s pulse and shook his head.
“He’s dead.”
Bowman couldn’t believe it, his wish had come true. Could it be that he had mind control powers? If so, this was a game changer. Thinking quickly, he came up with a plan to not only deflect blame from himself, but to implicate Leann.
“Leann must have done it. She said she could read minds, maybe she can control them also.”
“She wasn’t even here,” said Guzman.
“Who knows what kind of range she has. Did anybody ask her about it?” Bowman asked. When all three detectives shook their heads, Bowman knew he would be home free as long as Johnson ended up dead too.
“You guys stay here and don’t let anybody in here. I’m going to see the Chief.”
Hours later the Chief and Lt. Bowman came up with a plan to take out Johnson. An early morning raid by SWAT with a shoot to kill order. Plus a detailed leak to the media while the raid was in progress. The Chief was at first reluctant, but Lt. Bowman used his newly discovered power of mind control to convince the Chief that not only was this necessary, but it was the Chief’s idea.
Bowman knew he couldn’t be involved with the hunt for one of his own detectives. That would be seen as unethical. This was perfect for him. Just in case something went sideways, he still planned on being near the neighborhood where Johnson lived.
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Post by Matt D on Jun 3, 2022 18:35:49 GMT -6
I'm curious. Chapter 4 got a lot of likes which is great as that helps me as a writer. I had a hard time with Chapter 4 and debated with myself whether to include it or not.
At times I thought it was a great chapter as it explained why Leann and Jack were in their next door neighbor's basement. Other times, I though that the jump from Leann and Jack to what basically happened in Chapter 1 but from the perspective of Lt. Bowman was too great a jump.
Thoughts?
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Post by CountryGuy on Jun 3, 2022 19:16:16 GMT -6
I'm curious. Chapter 4 got a lot of likes which is great as that helps me as a writer. I had a hard time with Chapter 4 and debated with myself whether to include it or not. At times I thought it was a great chapter as it explained why Leann and Jack were in their next door neighbor's basement. Other times, I though that the jump from Leann and Jack to what basically happened in Chapter 1 but from the perspective of Lt. Bowman was too great a jump. Thoughts? I liked the transition. In the first chapters things are happening and we're left guessing. Like why all of a sudden was she fired, why did the police become a hit squad with her as #1 wanted and the neighbor went from the creeper next door to the misunderstood ally. Also I liked the additional details about what happened after she left the precinct, with the other detective being made to execute the prisoner. Now I'm curious as to what the LT and Chief were up to with the dead serial killer. Human trafficking or some weird cult thing and serial killer was just the bag man getting rid of the stiffs. To me when things are all spelled out in order it sometimes is boring, with the way you have this it makes your mind spin off and chew on some detail and try to figure out where things plug in. Nice job! |
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Post by Matt D on Jun 4, 2022 14:35:26 GMT -6
I'm curious. Chapter 4 got a lot of likes which is great as that helps me as a writer. I had a hard time with Chapter 4 and debated with myself whether to include it or not. At times I thought it was a great chapter as it explained why Leann and Jack were in their next door neighbor's basement. Other times, I though that the jump from Leann and Jack to what basically happened in Chapter 1 but from the perspective of Lt. Bowman was too great a jump. Thoughts? To me when things are all spelled out in order it sometimes is boring, with the way you have this it makes your mind spin off and chew on some detail and try to figure out where things plug in. Nice job! Thanks for the feedback. I was hoping that it wouldn't be confusing and also not boring. |
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Post by texican on Jun 4, 2022 23:16:47 GMT -6
I was hoping that it wouldn't be confusing and also not boring.
Matt,
Don't worry and keep writing. The moar hounds will kabitz when needed.
Texican....
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ydderf2
Member
"I'm from the government and here to help" hahahaha
Posts: 321
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Post by ydderf2 on Jun 5, 2022 15:03:44 GMT -6
not at all boring
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Post by Matt D on Jun 7, 2022 18:33:21 GMT -6
On a whim, I sent a query letter to a publisher about "The Altered". They couldn't offer anything, but did express interest in seeing the completed manuscript.
For now, I'm going to suspend posting chapters. I'm plan on completing the first draft of the manuscript by the end of this month. I figure on another month to revise and edit. Then I'll be submitting it to the publisher.
If they accept, I'm sorry to say I won't be posting anymore chapters. If they reject it, then I'll resume posting chapters here.
I appreciate all the great feedback here that has given me the confidence to finish the story. Thanks!
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Post by gipsy on Jun 7, 2022 19:09:32 GMT -6
Good luck
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ydderf2
Member
"I'm from the government and here to help" hahahaha
Posts: 321
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Post by ydderf2 on Jun 9, 2022 19:14:32 GMT -6
When it's published let us know where to find it!
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Post by papaof2 on Jun 18, 2022 17:25:22 GMT -6
Matt, there are many multi-book series on Amazon where the first book is free or $0.99 to get the buyers hooked for the other volumes. You're not likely to find freebies in any format other than an ebook but that is one of many marketing paths. You seem to be off to a good start, but I'd have to see more to give a good opinion. I've read past the first few chapters in some "hook" volumes and found that they "fizzled out" which guaranteed I would neither finish the first book nor buy the rest of the series :-( I'll assume the potential publisher has seen more.
Most of my published works got their first exposure online (this forum) but I write because the characters in my head keep having interesting conversations, not as a major source of income. The royalties do fund my exploration of alternate power, water, heat and so forth so I'll have some perhaps interesting new gear or ideas in the next story or book ;-)
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