Marvelous new invention!

[papaof2]

You no longer need to provide bed space for your children!

It's true!

I just saw it listed on Craig's List!

Someone is giving away children's hangers! You could put a rod across the room and hang up a dozen of them!






Apologies to Yakov Smirnoff and his "What a Country" routine ;-)

[willc453]

Think of the money saved by hanging these children instead of having them going to juvie hall for however long or getting a bigger/longer rap sheet as they got older.

[willc453]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' bathroom.'
-------------------
Two men are sitting at a bar. One says to the other, "You look familiar ".
The second says. "You do too".
The first asks, "Were are you from?"
The second answers, "Akron"
The first responds, "Really, I am too!"
So, the second man asks, "Where did you go to school? "
The first responds " St Marys"
The second is dumbfounded, " That is amazing, I went there too! What street did you live on?
The first answers "Oak"
The second acknowledges he lived on the same street. The two are laughing ang hugging one another when a 3rd man walks in.
The third man asks the bartender how things are going.

The bartender responds, " It is going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again."
--------------------------
A barber is with a customer, and sees a young boy walking by the window. The barber , as he knocks on the window and motions for the boy to come in, comments to his customer, " This has to be the dumbest kid in town. I'll show you." The boy enters the shop, and the barber says which would you rather have , as he holds up a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other. The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
Later, the customer meets the boy on the street as asks why he didn't take the dollar. The boy replies, " if I did that, the game would be over."
--------
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the towns people were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 30 years."
-------------------
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."
-----------------------
Had a gal tell me, one late night at a bar I used to frequent, she only dated black guys.

I asked her "Is it true?"

She said" What? Once you've had black you never go back?"

I said, "No. That black guys like fat white girls?"

It was downhill from there.
--------------------
Went by the house I grew up in the other day, and asked if I could go in, and look around.
They said "No", and slammed the door in my face.

My parents can be so rude sometimes...
---------------------------
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
--------------------
Every week day grandma would get on the van to the Senior Citizens Center. To show her appreciation she would hand the driver a zip lock bag of peanuts. The driver, at first appreciated them, but eventually grew tired of them. One day he told her that there was no need to be so generous. "Oh, that's ok", she replied, " They would just go waste. I don't have any teeth and can only suck the chocolate off of them."
-----------------
Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
--------------------------
Helen Keller walked into a bar...

and a table...

and a chair...

and a wall...
---------------------
I went to the drive thru at McDonalds yesterday morning, got me a couple Sausage/egg/cheese McMuffins..* Ate 'em up then went about my day..
Later that night, I looked down at the zipper on my pants and there was a sticker that said "Sausage" on it.. Came from the McDonalds that mornin..

I thought it was funny and I asked my missus "If I had a sticker on my zipper, guess what it would say?" and I swear, she didn't even look up from the book she was readin and she said "Out of Order"..

and thats when the fight started..
-------------------
A husband and wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure out how to pronounce it: KISS-i-me, kiss-I-me, kiss-i-ME.They grew more and more confused as they drove into town. Because they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat.

At the counter, the man said to the server: "My wife and i can't figure out how to pronounce the name of this place. will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that i can understand?"

The server looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiiinnnng."
-------------
So the other night it snowed, and in the morning the kids and I went out and made a snowman.

Neighbor: Why do you always make snowMEN, why can't you make a snowWOMAN for a change.

So, I took her up on the offer.

My neighbor across the street then came over, he complained about the voluptuous nature of the snow-woman. So I dialed back the attributes. And decided to make a snowman with the kids next to the snow-woman to make all happy.

A person driving by, then stopped by my house and felt the need to tell me how offended he was, and since he's a muslim my snow-lady should be covered up.

The lesbian couple down the steet felt the need to stop by and complain that I had a snowman and a snow-woman, and I should have 2 snow women.

To appease the neighbors, I made 2 snow women and the rainbow coalition felt I should make the snowpeople with interchangable parts.

So I knocked down the second snow woman, and just left the single snow woman. Some feminst who was walking by called the cops because I was beating the snow woman with a shovel as this depicts the abuse that probably occurs in my house every day.

By the time the cop got here, I was labeled a racist by the black lady because my snowpeople are always white.

I brushed aside all this crap and was putting the final touches on my family snow-woman, which I was ripped apart on CNN for putting the snow-woman in the domestic roll by putting a broom in her hands.

When Anderson Cooper asked if I had anyone helping me, I said my children, At that point the Department of Child Services took away my children.

Moral of the story, snowflakes are the root of all problems.
-------------------
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
-------------------